I just really needed the “read more” break to explain my previous post in detail.

apologies in advance for:

• typos and/or poor grammar (I’m doing my best to proofread but I’m having difficulty with that)
• potentially massive ego
• nonsensical and/or run-on sentences
• excessive cursing (although I do that on a regular basis, I think it could get worse)
• for blogging while drunk

I just really needed to post something before I forget because I think I’ve fucked myself over a barrel.

Disclaimer: I do not advise drinking in excess; I do not advise blogging after drinking in excess, it’s just that I think I’ve fucked up and don’t know what to do about it (don’t worry, it’s not life threatening, it just wasn’t very nice)

Ah fuck. Being nice has backfired. Probably shouldn’t have kissed the poor boy’s cheek. Mixed signals. I’m a horrible, drunken bitch and he’s texting me…

In the church parking lot this afternoon. We were trying to recreate a picture from prom in 2007 and were fairly successful (we’re all older, prettier, etc as we should be 5 years later)

With the bride and bridesmaid (Taken with instagram)

We’re in the middle of speeches right now, but I’m distracted by the girl at the next table wearing a sheet peach dress and dark blue panties

My dad just asked me if Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy was split into 5 books so I said “no, it is 5 books” and he looked at me like I was stupid.

Semantics, father. Semantics.

For something to be split into five books, it would have had to exist as one cohesive novel, which it didn’t; the series has always been-well, since completion anyway- five separate novels (the Trilogy of Four, plus Mostly Harmless).

agent-creepah:

waitingsolong:

abukkitofcelestialintent:

ofdarklands:

bartyjoonyah:

inspectahradio:

darksstars:

gravityisforsuckers:

Hold both shift keys down, and try to type “THE QUICK BROWN FOX JUMPS OVER THE LAZY DOG.”  

THKBNFJS THLAY DG.

holy shit

THE QUICK BROWN FOX JUMP OVER THE LAZY DOG 

eh?  

THEQUICKROWFOXJUMPOVERTHELZYDOG 

Well that’s weird

THE QUICK BROQN FOC JUPD OVR THE KAZ DOG

…okay then.

TE QUICK BROWN FOX JUP OVER TE LAZY O

wait what

THKBNFJSTHLAYDG

THEQUICKOWFOXJUMPSOVERTHELZYDOG

TE QUICK BROWN FOX JUP OVER TE LAZY O

…why?

THKBNFJDTHLAYDG

seriously?

my dog just tripped over his own paw. his good paw. poor baby :(

there’s a bridesmaid 　flaunting her cleavage and bragging that she’s a 36C. honey, I’ve got you beat by 3 cup sizes.

and either she is a lot more petite than she looks on camera, or that is one hell of a push-up bra.

turtlemoose19:

thedoctorisaconsultinghunter:

bboy-yung-buck:

ihopericksantorum:

Boom.

Can everyone just reblog this once?

apply cold water to the burn area

^

(via indesperateneedofatimemachine)

trying to find hairstyles for my mom for tomorrow. I’ve googled

• hairstyles for short fine hair
• hairstyles for short fine hair for older women
• hairstyles for short fine hair for women over 50
• hairstyles for short fine hair for mature women
• hairstyles for very short fine hair

and every single result that came back was too long.

whoever was the first person to have a mashed potato bar at a wedding, I love you because that is nothing short of brilliant and awesome.　

fuckux3:

LOOK AT PLUTO.

PLUTO YOU WILL ALWAYS BE INVITED TO MY PARTIES, OKAY

(Source: insta-grammar, via sleeplessvigilante)

I wish nail polish didn’t smell so bad.

and I’ve already screwed up one of my nails. yay.